This is the first blog post I have written in several weeks. A few reasons – partly my work has been so busy that I haven’t had any spare time to think about writing … Oh, and Christmas too, obvs. But largely, I had fallen into a bit of a ‘mind-funk’ that I have worked hard to pull myself out of.
Without realising it, as Christmas and the business that brings, along with more Harriet-sized viruses, and some crazy design deadlines, I have found myself withdrawing and retreating from the new parts of my work which I have been enjoying. I stopped writing posts, and stopped selling my book. I haven’t wanted to think about my book – and have quietly dismissed my authorship when people have asked about it. It has taken some serious reading and talking to try and understand why that is.
It is as though there has been a small, annoying Sith Lord poking a Light Saber of self-doubt in my tea and stirring it in. So much so, (and this will sound ridiculous) that I have felt unable to use one of my mugs for weeks. It says, “best mummy in the world” on it. For quite some time I have felt that I haven’t been a good enough mummy to deserve its use. How stupid is that? So stupid!! But, it is true.
So … What has been my problem? A few things. The dark and cold of mid-Winter doesn’t help. Nor does a toddler who doesn’t care to sleep in her own bed and is still working on building up her immune system (I have told her she will be as tough as an Avenger next year). But more its a problem I need to fix in my own mind. An inability to be proud of myself and know that I am doing a great job – whether it’s being mummy or being an author of a book.
Learning to tell myself a different story. An alternate reality from the underperforming identity that I have been giving myself is what is required. Re-writing the stories in my head. Instead of allowing The Empire of self-doubt and self-worth to prevail, I need to focus on giving myself different instructions. No Sith Lords telling me what to do.
Just me, actively telling myself that I am doing a great job. I am the best mum! I am a children’s author. I wonder why the negative thoughts are so much easier to believe? Each morning in the shower at the moment I am having an inner discussion with myself. The easy-to-believe negative stuff that I am too tired to have any patience with my children, let alone think about promoting my book that I just happened to write. The Jedi side of me is actively pushing back against these thoughts and saying, Yes. You have patience. You are a really fun mum. And, you have a beautiful book that children genuinely enjoy reading. And, you have some wonderful ideas for some more beautiful books.
I have been working on my thought processes for a couple of weeks now, and I am starting to see a shift in my patterns. I am still having these internal discussions, but I am finding it easier to see that the constant self-depreciating mode is not a good one. I am also noticing that ideas are starting to form again, and the desire to act upon them. This Young Padawan will a Jedi make yet 🙂