Tag: Happiness

About

A few of my favourite things

Designer Mum

This week at one of my networking groups we had a guest-speaker who is a life-coach, Karen Carpenter. She was such an inspiring woman and shared with us a few tips and tools to use as boosters when we are feeling low in confidence. One idea she shared with us was so uplifting, I thought I might take the opportunity to create it as a blog post, which in turn would convey the idea to you, and you could then also use it as a positivity booster yourself.

For a while I have been wondering how to do a post about myself. Not my anxiety or my mindset. Not my children, or my work-ethic, or any of the projects I am working on – a post just about me. I’ve procrastinated about it for a while – “Me, Myself and I” is a pretty epic theme for a blog post – and no one wants to read my entire autobiography when they’re just browsing social media feeds!

So what I am going to tell you in this post, is three times in my life when I have felt a completely overwhelmingly positive emotion*. The idea of this, is that we think of these moments, and make a list of them. Actually, the life coach suggested created them as pieces that fit together as a puzzle. In doing so, we begin to see the wonderful moments in our lives that have shaped us. Often we remember the negative or traumatic moments, but if we can remember more of the amazing and profound experiences – and focus on the powerful feelings that these experiences evoked – we can increase our positive sense of self, our confidence, our emotional well-being and ultimately start to control how we feel about ourselves – hopefully a more centred, happy self! … So … Here you are:

Meeting Noel

Noel and I have been married for three and a half years, and together for ten. We met at our office Christmas party on December 18th, 2008, when we were both working on different floors, for different departments of the same media content agency in West London. I had seen Noel a couple of times around Shepherds Bush, near where I lived and I had assumed he must live somewhere quite close by. I thought he was extremely cool – too cool for me even to have a crush on in fact – but I thought that I could perhaps say hi to him at the Christmas party and then he would be someone cool for me to say hi to around work!

Well … My colleagues and I had arrived fashionably late to the party as we’d been invited to another party first – so by the time we were at our party I was feeling sufficiently sparkly. Fast forward a few songs on the dance floor and I noticed that this cool, tall, beardy guy (Noel) was hovering nearby and looking at me. With my sparkly confidence nicely in place, I tottered over and went to say hi. Next thing I knew, one of my friends dangled some mistletoe and Noel went in for a full-on snog! After I had gotten over the initial, ‘Oh my goodness, everyone will have seen!’, the rest of the night was a bit of a blur. Noel was a little more tiddly than me, and told me that he thought we would be, ‘A good match’! … Now any young woman worth her classic literary salt would instantly hear the Jane Austen rings in such a statement. What choice did I have really. The coolest guy in our building thought that we would be, ‘A good match’! Well, that was that. The memory I have of that night is just one of sheer excitement and a lot of, “Oh my goodness, I can’t believe the coolest guy in the office likes me!”

Being told that Reynard is a child’s favourite book

As it was World Book Day last week, lots of children all went in to school dressed up as their favourite book characters, with their favourite books tucked under their arms. A friend who had bought my story, Reynard the Fox for her daughter for Christmas, this week told me at our networking group that her daughter had taken Reynard with her – its her favourite story!

There are a few moments in my life where I can note that my heart genuinely swelled in my chest, and that is one of them. I know that this little girl really loves reading, and to be told that your book is her favourite story makes me feel so proud and so happy. I have wanted to write and illustrate books since I was a child, and to know that my book is someone’s favourite makes me genuinely feel like I have achieved something truly magical.

Sadie

Sadie was a dog. Not just any dog, she was the dog. Sadie was the dog that I had pretty much spent 18 years begging my parents for. She was a black Labrador and she was a rescue – probably about 6 or 7 years old when she came to us. It took her a little while to settle in – she did not care for being left alone to begin with, at all. But it did not take long for her to be the apple of everyone’s eye.

In some ways, writing Sadie as a profoundly positive experience is cheating a bit – as she clearly was loved for her whole life with us – but I am choosing to include her as she was the dog that I had wanted forever. And she did not disappoint. When I think of her, I am filled with a love and affection that I don’t think will ever leave me. She left us many years ago now, but I can still remember her smell and the feel of her soft, thick fur when you buried your face in it. To my family, she was perfect (obviously she was also a tinker – what dog isn’t in their own brilliant ways?) But when I think of her, I am simply filled with love. And that is the profoundly positive bit.

*I was actually going to tell you about seven or eight moments, but as you can see, no one would want to read that many!!

Mindset

The joy of normal

Designer Mum

Or, “Can you ever just be whelmed?” (as taken from one of my favourite 90s movies)

It’s been rather hectic in our house for a while. I have been busy sorting out the release of my first picture book, Reynard the Fox and getting it set to launch – its now fully released and on sale – huzzahhhhh! And you can buy it here by the way 🙂

I have also been catching up on some design deadlines, which were already tight, and then not helped by a month of various viruses that Harriet has had to endure. Also, Noel has just been offered a new job – which is great news for him and indeed all of us – he works very hard and deserves this new opportunity. I’m really proud of him, though now we have to ride the next wave of change that comes with starting a new job.

As each new year has come about, we have said, “Ok, this is the last big thing, and then that’s it!

So, you can see, there’s been a lot going on. You would think from reading the above, that Noel and I would be the sort of go-getting people who embrace change with happy, eager, waving, open arms. Actually, we aren’t at all! For quite some time now, as each new year has come about, we have said, “Ok, this is the last big thing, and then that’s it!” … We have been steadily trying to get to a point where we can feel settled, and not needing to change anything significant for about the last 5 years. Each new year has come, and there has been something big to achieve for that year. Sometimes it has been work or a new job, twice it has been growing a baby in my belly, and a couple of times it has been moving house … It’s safe to say that we have been busy.

So now, as we head to the close of 2018, I find myself as I often do, feeling somewhat overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the next set of tasks I have to do, but also overwhelmed by our achievements. Now I have finally released my book, I have to learn how to actually sell it. I also have to find the time to be proud of what I have achieved, and not frightened by it … Or let myself get wound up in Imposter Syndrome (that was actually going to be the theme of this Mindset post).

Just the four of us, getting on with things, all feeling quite safe in our routines

I have mentioned it before, but I often find myself craving normal (sorry if I sound like a broken record here!) In my mind, normal, is I suppose, the default setting that I want to feel that my family are in. Nothing major going on, just the four of us, getting on with things, all feeling quite safe in our routines. Feeling like we know where we are, what our daily purpose is, and not feeling overwhelmed by something big we are navigating. In short, I would like us to feel perfectly whelmed.

When I think about it, can ‘whelmed’ even really exist? Much as I would like it to, I know that my hope for a normal, slightly passive 2019 is already a non-starter. We are set to have some building work done to our house in April, which will mean a few months of upheaval. And Sidney will be starting school in September – he has shown himself to be pretty anti-change too – so I am anticipating an emotional autumn for next year. There will be cause for much joy though too. The building work will give us the super-dooper kitchen-diner of my interior dreams – and Sidney loves learning stuff – so once he gets sorted I know he’s going to really enjoy school.

Change is the necessary force for moving forwards. I know I should probably conclude here that life is about the journey – not the destination – but sometimes it would be really nice to just feel a bit whelmed for just a short while. Feel like we are in a nice little humdrum of normal. I feel quite normal today actually – best hold onto the feeling for a while. And it’s certainly not going to feel like that next year … Maybe 2020 will instead.

 

Mindset

On a path to Happy.

Designer Mum

I am reading a book called Happy by Derren Brown at the moment. I’ve actually been reading it for the past two years as I only read about two paragraphs a night before conking out … I do not find babies and small children are especially conducive to reading grown-up books.

Anyway, in Happy Derren Brown investigates the reasons why we can all feel a little overwhelmed by life. He does it in a gentle and intelligent way – looking at the theory of Stoicism as a method for improving the way in which we can all live our lives. I don’t want to try and squeeze his book into one or two paragraphs, because there’s no way I will get it right. But what I will say is that if you are a person who is interested in helping themselves, by understanding themselves and others better, it is a good one.

Indeed, Brown’s calm approach to educating the reader to a more settled and less-irritated life has certainly helped me engage with my mindset and think more carefully about the way in which I react to things. If you have ever tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) there are similar ideas here. And indeed, if you haven’t tried CBT, Happy is a good way to learn some of CBT’s building blocks.

Do we remain the same person our entire lives?

One idea that Brown looks at in one of the latter chapters has especially got me thinking. It is a question about whether or not we remain the same person that we are born as. Do we remain the same person our entire lives? Or, do we change? Well, essentially our DNA is the same. But what about how external influences; people, events, culture, how these things affect us? I guess we could think about Gwyneth Paltrow’s 90’s movie, Sliding Doors, or even Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. In Sliding Doors, we see Gwynnie’s character play out two alternate stories that were triggered by the seemingly mundane event of catching or missing her tube train. In Groundhog Day, Bill’s obnoxious, selfish character is forced to relive the same day over and over until he learns that he has been obnoxious and selfish.

I have started to think about how I may have evolved to become different people. A couple of ways definitely spring to mind.

For myself, I have started to think about how I may have evolved to become different people. A couple of ways definitely spring to mind. Becoming a mum – even though you want to be your same self – you fundamentally adapt to become a new, much less selfish, more efficient, version of yourself. You learn how to put others first, your wardrobe potentially changes… For me it went from dresses and skinny jeans, to baggy jeans and trainers!

Another instance where I can see that I have become a new version of myself, was in meeting Noel. In becoming part of a pair, you find new ways of doing things, new interests (one of mine was learning how to play darts!), eat new food, etc. I suppose the fundamental change here would be that you learn to think in terms of a two, not just a one, and your life is no-longer you at the centre.

How exciting that we can live our lives and evolve as we go, depending on the people and things around us.

I used to be very against the idea that my self could change. But actually, changing your self and evolving the person that you are is amazing. How exciting that we can live our lives and evolve as we go, depending on the people and things around us. Quite often I equate my daily identity by the clothes that I choose to wear. When I’m in mummy mode, I need to feel relaxed, hard-wearing and cool (ie. not too hot for when bodies are climbing on me!). I will probably also try and have a slightly messy, art-studio look about me – so that the mums at Toddler Group can see I’m not just a mum.

When I’m in work-mode, or going to a client meeting, I like to feel smart. I might wear a dress, some smart shoes or boots, then I know I’m in business mode and I’m a professional creative. I like to visualise the different people that I am.

I guess what I am saying is, I think its great that we can become different people throughout our lives as we learn and grow. And we can especially apply the same logic to our thought patterns and mindsets. In adapting our mindsets, evolving our inner selves, we can create new versions of our outer selves. For me, setting my mindset onto a path that creates a more fulfilled and happier life, instead of one constantly pestered by self-doubt and anxiety? Yes please, Derren Brown! I’ll just grab my walking boots …

Parenting

“And how are you in yourself?”

Designer Mum

“And how are you in yourself?”. I have come to loathe this loaded question. I don’t think anyone asked me this until I became a mum. I don’t dislike it because I am afraid that it will make me break down in floods of tears. I loathe it because whenever it is asked, at the time I am usually just fine! You know; alright, things are all normal just now. My children might be a bit tired, but they’re fine too. We’re all bumbling along as happy as we can be at this moment!

In hindsight I don’t know why I thought I wouldn’t be in the firing line!

Then … It happens. “And how are you in yourself?”. This question is usually posed by a health professional. In this instance it was a Health Visitor – one whom I hadn’t met before – and it was actually Harriet’s 12month progress check so I wasn’t really prepared to be questioned about myself. In hindsight I don’t know why I thought I wouldn’t be in the firing line! … My right arm was wrapped in a tubular wrist-support bandage (to support a healing fracture) and to really glamour it all up, on the same hand was a very gross blister that had appeared out of nowhere after a tiny patch of eczema had flared up! … Oh, and I suppose we all looked a bit clammy after me cycling us there straight from the nursery pickup. Despite all that though, no one was crying (not even me) and we were all there on time. Go us!

But there it was. The seed was planted. Harriet’s progress check was all fine. She’s a bum-shuffler, who’s also quite happy cruising around – great – and she’s following her little weight chart perfectly – fab. And as a delightful added bonus I even managed to persuade Sidney to let the health visitor weigh him too, so we can move everyone up a carseat size. All is going well.

Did the lines around my eyes look more terrible than all the other mums she’s seen today?

However, someone has now asked me, ‘how I am in myself’, which automatically means that for the next 24 hours I am questioning whether or not I am ok. Do I not look ok? Did I seem like I might cry? Did the lines around my eyes look more terrible than all the other mums she’s seen today?

There is something in that particular phrasing that gets under my skin every time. Someone could just as easily ask, “How are things?”, or, “How are you, mum?” and I would understand that they are asking me if I’m ok. But by using the words you in yourself suggests something deeper. Like I might not be myself, or I might be feeling so overcome with my lot in life that I have something that needs looking into, deeply.

Let’s be honest. There are moments when any parent feels a bit overcome with being so on demand all of the time, but mostly its cool. Once you get used to being so important to miniature versions of yourselves, it can be pretty special at times! But that’s just part of the rollercoaster of having children I think.

This summer our family’s general look is, ‘a bit clammy’

Nevertheless, that turn of phrase is something I genuinely wish people wouldn’t use. It makes people feel like there is something wrong with them, when there isn’t. We’re just navigating the overcrowded-supermarket of everyday like everybody else. Sometimes we don’t have disgusting blisters and clammy children, and sometimes we do. This summer our family’s general look is, ‘a bit clammy’ – but at least that means we’re drinking enough, right?

Finally, I guess a caveat here could be that I am one of those ‘hypersensitive’ people you read personality descriptions about, which is why I react so badly to questions that are unnecessarily probing. However, even if I am a bit on the hypersensitive side, if me and my two children managed to get ourselves somewhere on time – and none of us is crying – we are all in ourselves, just fine.